>What’s the point of a rant without a subject?

>I had all intentions after the morning of stress and brain rumblings of coming on here to rant as I have done in the past…when I hit the point in said brain rumblings that I realized that I can’t say anything about most of the shite-storm a-brewin. Do you know how weird it feels for me to have a brain completely incompassed in some sort of negative activity in which the healthy thing to do would be to explode in an outword expression of the written (read: typed) word…only to stop and think midway through and say “no!”?

In starting this blog, the personal mandate that I created was to get something down so I could remember. As such, I would be more or less used to getting something down, no matter how heated the moment was that required something to be said in the first place. However…this time around, I can’t because I am conflicted about the people/persons/circumstances and would not want to start any sort of flame-war in my social circle (such as it is).

I can talk about parts of my cerebrum right now, but feel kinda mad at myself for not being able to be true to myself, and my original mandate, if only to censor myself. This is and always was basically my diary. I would have liked to have been able to be completely truthful, but alas, it seems that I can’t.

In lieu of that, I shall start, and go as far as I think I can.

I can’t quite explain how depressed I am lately. It feels almost cold sometimes inside of me, like I’m hollow and there is but a frigidly cold breeze of death running through. It almost feels worse now than what it was before during the fall….for which I will confirm that I was on anti-depressants perscribed by my doctor. All Winter I was relatively fine, and was excited for the Spring and Summer, at which time I was sure that I would be fine and happy and everything would have worked it’s way out.

And it doesn’t seem like it has.

It’s funny…some of the issues and stressers from the Fall and Winter have pretty much worked their ways out. But then now there are new ones. And though they are actually quite small if I step back and think about them, they seem to be just a large and ominous as the big ones. When I’m stuck in my dark cloud, it all seems the same.

There’s no difference. There’s no beginning and no end.

My school situation is just dumb, and is so long and involved that I can’t talk about it right now, and may never just because it will offend readers as well as myself.

My job is amazing and fun and I love it…but I’m pretty sure I just missed out on a great opportunity because of my lack of confidence in my French. I really could’ve impressed my bosses and probably move up further and faster than my “competition,” such as it is, and I feel like I just screwed myself rather royally.

I really wish I was able to step back more often and just shoo the stupid dark cloud of death away. I really wish that I was able to just laugh it all off, and look at it for what it all is. I really wish I was able to stop my constant “hope” complex.

I think I need to find something new.

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About charliebenn

I like writing about what my world is, whether that be gardening, cooking, drawing, my relationships, job, and yes, sometimes I ramble about how much I love writing. And also hate it. :)

Posted on April 26, 2011, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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