>Today I Wore Big Boy Pants

>Today was a rather shitty day for me, but only in my head.

Let me explain. It stems from my results at yesterday’s doctor’s appoinment, but I’m not going to bore you with that. It’s just, she mentioned that some of my symptoms are because of things that I’m thinking about, and my anxiety over the hospital in the first place. It is not my favorite place by any means, I tend to avoid going there at all costs. I don’t even visit sick friends or family because there’s just something that I don’t like about it.

There’s a death that lingers around the DECH like a dense fog, I just can’t seem to shake it, even afterwards. It’s followed me here, home to my new apartment, and my new budding relationship with the man that, yes, I seem to love very much. There is a future here, or with him, whichever comes first. But right now, my head is playing games with me.

I’ve got no drive.

Today was especially rough and horrid.

I woke up and was tired. I fell asleep probably 20 times today, with nothing to provoke it. I started to draw earlier and was bad and hated myself for it. I scrapped it. Rob made those little fake cinnamon buns from the can that he likes and I shrieked in my head. “YES! That’s what I need! A sugar boost!”

I thought that would do it, and it may very well have. But I wasn’t aware of it, you’d have to ask the chef.

All day all I’ve wanted to do was just get up and do something…to cook something, to go for a walk, to tend to my plants, to draw enough for my blog, to sit and WRITE my blog. Just something. But the day came and went, and I decided that I couldn’t because I felt like I didn’t want to.

Instead, I managed to sit a sulk, mope, and carry on about things that didn’t matter at all to my poor little brain. I even punched a chair. True story.

What started out as a rather angry post dredged from my head has actually had a rather opposite emotion and a different realization spawned into my fingertips. Tomorrow will be different.

It has to be….doesn’t it?

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About charliebenn

I like writing about what my world is, whether that be gardening, cooking, drawing, my relationships, job, and yes, sometimes I ramble about how much I love writing. And also hate it. :)

Posted on August 5, 2010, in Apartment, Drawing, Hospital, Rob. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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