>So I’ve Pretty Much Worked Out My Entire Life Today
Posted by charliebenn
>Care to join me?
Come, sit around the fire chillens as I tell you a tale wrought with challenges, pitfalls, rafia, fondant, and a jail term (with special guest: My New Tattooed Cell Mate Friend! I shall name her Cookie Jo for short).
As most of you have probably guessed (and correctly at that! Gold star!), I am in fact, Martha Stewart.
I hope I didn’t shock anyone too badly just now, but I wanted to address the seriousness of my claim for a second. And before I continue, I just wanted to give you another, slightly longer second to compose yourself before you continue reading. Like maybe a second and a half. You good?
So, I’m not Martha (unless saying so will get me some of the good meds), I’m sorry I just lied to you. But that doesn’t mean I can’t become her. And I don’t mean in a Mrs. Doubtfire attempt to win my children back, as we all know Alexis died a long time ago after she wasn’t up to Martha’s snuff and was replaced by a series of stand-ins until a suitable robot could be manufactured.
No, my friends, I want to end up where she is right now….a family of magazines and books…Polish parents…illustrious modeling career…Turkey Hill Road Farmhouse…catering business….holiday specials with CBS…consumer floral business…5 month jail term with new “friend”…comeback including one daytime talk show and one primetime reality show…a line of houses carrying my name…satellite radio channel…line of wine…my own colour…a video game…PETA partnership…
Yes, I’m a fan. But I want it. I want all of it. I even want the tell-all written by my family and so called friends (on my desk by Monday please). And I have a plan to obtain most of those things, simply by redirecting some of my own activities to mirror her own life choices. In my opinion, we have much of the same likes and dislikes, and I’ve yet to see a Canadian step up to the plate to take over domestic diva status. I’m already a diva, so I’m halfway there right? Right??
I’ve already been approached to start a modeling contract before…so I think it should be easy to find another schmuck to take some photos of me. Possibly a small blind man. Or an incredibly old woman with a hole in her neck. Basically all I need is one place to have a photo of me up and I’d say that’s one job accomplished. Hell…I could plaster my face on every pole in freddie and I’d be famous overnight! May even get up on a couple annoying blogger’s pages!
I’d pretty much call this blog my magazine AND a book, given the wealth of information and entertainment that one derives from me. Then, once my readership expands…like say another 4 or 5 suckers (I mean that in the most sincere and ununmalicious way of course!!), I can put up a couple extra photos a day and charge an annual fee of 31.99 and I’m set.
Rob’s buying me my Turkey Hill farmhouse. He told me.
The Polish parents are a tricky one, but I’ve got a couple ideas on that one. I could put an ad in the paper asking, but that might be a little blunt and or seemingly racist. Then I thought I could go to the annual Polish festival, but then I remembered I live in Fredericton. So that leaves mail-order parents. I looked it up, its real. All I need is a couple family photos over a roaring fire, and nobody would be able to hear the wails and moans from the basement (sorry new mom and dad, I’ll bring you a present each if you’re good!!)
Now that I’m famous all I need is the fall from grace jail term and the special friend! Now, the only way I can see me getting into a woman’s prison is drag, so that means I have to get arrested dressed as a woman and be so incredibly believable that nobody is the wiser. I haven’t exactly worked out the crime yet, as I know nothing of trading stocks and whatnot as Martha, so that is out. I’m thinking something along the lines of hitting a cop with a rolling pin, because A. dramatic irony as I’m a domestic diva and therefore would carry a rolling pin around with me at all times and B. that would at least get me into the papers for a while, and if I’m crazy enough, into the tabloids as well, in which case I don’t even have to meet my new special jail friend. So less work in the long run for me!
I’ve pretty much just completed all the important steps, the rest is just filler I tell Oprah I’ve done in my life to make me more diva-liscious I was even thinking I may just hum some Beyonce during my interview. I mean, Oprah’s fallen for it before anyways right? I figure once she’s in my corner, Bahbawa won’t be far behind.
Now I need your help, gentle readers. While I may not need money for my insider-trading scam and proposed jail term, Rob’s just informed me that the well has run dry and he can only afford the brass faucet of the kitchen in my Turkey Hill Estate (which I believe has been renamed Peacock Hill by now in my honour if I’m not entirely mistaken… ), so please send money. I’ve worked out that I only need 6850.00 a day for the next year from you, so I’ll leave you to talk amongst yourselves about the payment plan. And yes, I do accept paypal.
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